Re-wilded
On laying down control & opening up to trust...
A song I’m listening to: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Into My Arms
The words are:
“I don’t believe in an interventionist God.
But I know darling, that you do.
But if I did, I would kneel down and ask him,
Not to intervene when it came to you.
Not to touch a hair on your head, leave as you are,
If he felt he had to direct you, direct you into my arms.”
This says much of what I’m trying to say here with the words from Nick Cave’s song - Into My Arms.
I’ve had the theme of re-wilding rumbling through my mind now for a few years. In terms of the land it speaks about how we can refrain from over-management and start to allow natural processes just to do their thing.
To loosen our grip on the land.
To let nature flow.
I’ve seen manicured gardens and I’ve seen wild places.
There’s beauty in both - seeing the care and attention that hands have given to a rose bush or a vegetable patch is truly beautiful but the beauty of a wild flower garden or a side verge lawn that has remained un-mowed is a different kind of beauty altogether.
It’s wild, untamed and mostly untouched by human hands and when it’s left to do it’s own thing, it turns out that it does it pretty well.
Re-wilding has been a metaphor for me over the past few years in terms of a way of actually living my life. I might even have a book in me about it. To let things be can at first appear messy, untidy, unkept, risky, even anxiety provoking but the lessons in this concept for me centre upon trust, upon becoming open to the ebb and flow of nature and of life and how intertwined human life and nature actually are. How the seasons teach us richly about how to live. About death and about new life, about pruning and flourishing.
I’ve written a little bit about my story of late in creating and developing Wild Therapy. The journey has been life changing for me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed to change. It started with gusto! I had a lot of vision and ambition. I flew to Nashville to attend a Dream Big workshop at Onsite - a residential trauma-informed therapeutic centre, I had dreams of developing a retreat centre, building a team of therapists, running workshops…the list goes on. When I returned home from that trip to Nashville I went to church that Sunday and my then 5 year old niece ran into my arms and lapped her legs around me and gave me the biggest hug and I came to realise in that moment that maybe my dreams were actually quite small. It was the tiny moments that were the gold for me. That was success in my eyes.
Mother Teresa said that “if you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” Lara’s welcome home for me that Sunday was more edifying than anything I had gained from my trip away and I can tell you now that I have achieved none of the afore mentioned big dreams.
I have built a modest model or brand of therapy that I’m proud of. I believe in it and I’m passionate about helping people in this way. The journey with Wild Therapy has brought me, (sometimes fighting and screaming) to a place of surrender and trust. My manicured ideas of what I had hoped to achieve through this pioneering mission have all but died and I’m realising now that maybe that this was an important part of the process for me? It was something I had to learn through the experience of the thing actually dying to some degree. To me laying it down.
There was great flow at the beginning but the flow waned and I could only assume that this was a result of my failing. Failing as business person, failing as a pioneer. I found it hard to sit with and so me being me I strived again to create openings. I attended workshops that I thought would lead to fruition. Designed a website. Gave away business cards to any folk who would take one. I talked about it endlessly to everyone I met.
The result - very little fruit.
It brought me to a place where I needed a job to pay my bills and I “ended up” driving a delivery van for Sainsburys.
But this is the thing. Working as a delivery driver for Sainsbury’s has been one of the most humbling and rewarding jobs I’ve ever done.
It’s Kingdom work and it has changed me.
You’re on the streets, in communities that cross cultural and religious divides. You’re seeing and observing and meeting everyday, salt of the earth people.
It’s been really remarkable for me to see that when I gave up my persistent striving and surrendered to what is in my life that blessing flowed.
That’s what re-wilding is teaching me in this season.
To go with what flows. Not to over-manage the thing. To loosen my vision, grip and control on my life, work & relationships.
My Wild Therapy dreams all but died but what I’m learning is that sometimes our dreams have to die so that we become open to a new way of living, seeing and being in this world. The death of a dream opens our eyes in ways we could never expect.
Delivering for Sainsbury’s has brought me some of the most joyous moments in this season. I’ve been in the community, meeting everyday people, witnessing the kindness of strangers and some deeply hurting people and places. I’ve never felt more called to pray than when I’m driving the van and delivering to people from all walks of life. I’ve had the freedom to drive & explore this beautiful country I come from too.
People have turned their heads seeing a girl driver which always makes me smile on the inside. I’m not a feminist but I believe in women leading and driving vans and doing all the things that men can do.
It’s not how I ever imagined it but I’m learning that I had to be brought to a place of surrender. I had to go through the sense of failure, I had to accept defeat in some ways for my eyes to open to a new perspective. Maybe that is what resurrection is all about? Seeing things in a new way? What I’m also learning is that it’s not up to us to make any of this happen.
It’s a grace.
An uncomfortable one at times but a grace none the less.
And maybe after all Wild Therapy hasn’t really failed at all it was my expectations about what success looked like that actually failed me.
What evolved on the journey was different to what I expected but it was no less beautiful. It’s not what I thought or others/society/culture expected and so I felt like I’d failed because it wasn’t making heaps of money & didn’t experience quick growth but I am so thankful to have walked and talked with each person who booked in with me. Each person who trusted me to hold their pain and their stories. Witnessing and walking with someone on their journey through painful and hard times is deeply fulfilling and maybe that is the fruit. It’s not the money I made or the vast growth in the organisation, it’s the people I walked with. I’m eternally thankful to those who trusted me with their stories. They say the people who come to see you are the ones you most need to see. I think I believe that. There’s some kind of magic that happens when people talk vulnerably. You identify with their experience because parts of it is your story too. It’s magic. It’s the work of the soul and it’s hard to define or explain. It’s empathy and compassion. I’ve never seen myself as someone with all of the answers, but a fellow pilgrim trying to navigate this same world, listening deeply to what’s going on for people and helping them to understand themselves and their story more fully.
I don’t think it’s the end of the line for Wild Therapy but I’m at a place now that if it is, I’m ok.
I know there’s more to come but I’m no longer trying to build it myself.
I’m letting The Gardener of my existence take the reins.
I’m trusting that my gifts, talents, passions will be used in whatever ways they need to be.
I’m loosening my grip on it and on life.
I’m learning that I don’t have all the answers right now and that’s ok. I can still show up, where I am.
I’m learning to show up with all of myself in whatever circumstance I’m in.
I’m learning that I know much less than what I think I know.
I’m learning that I’m not in control & when I try to take control that’s telling me something about myself.
I’m learning that I’m not totally responsible for every little thing in this world.
I’m learning that, that burden is too heavy for me to carry.
I’m opening to trust.
I’m unclenching my fists.
I’m opening to surrender.
I’m opening to reframing what success looks like.
I’m empty.
I’m receptive.
I am open…
As always, I hope this speaks gently to you on your way…
Ps: This is a new little section that I’m adding to the newsletter. Things that have been speaking to me lately. Links to articles, poems, books, art, music and all manner of things that have sparked a little light within in me that I’m collating to share with readers. It’s a way to highlight other writers, artists, makers and creators so it’s a win win.
I hope you enjoy.
Things That Are Sparking Light
Prayers…
The Welcoming Prayer by Father Thomas Keating (the link takes you to a video which you do have to subscribe for but the actual prayer is written below if you scroll.)
Podcasts…
Books…
The Cure for Sleep by Tanya Shadrick
The Success Myth by Emma Gannon
Until the next time…
Thank you for being here.
Hi Ellie, Thank you so much for your "re-wilded" article. I'm a 'two day a week' (part time) pastor for a very small church in Sheffield, and your thoughts resonate so much with my own experience. Your delivery job, is my wandering around the estate where our church is set - visiting, listening, chatting, helping out folk. Your big dreams and plans, can be me comparing our little chapel with other large successful churches around us. The hug from your niece, and the celebration of this 'little' event your life brough me so much joy and hope.
I love to grow chilli's and house plants, and for me the joy comes from the journey with each plant, learning and observing what will make each one flourish. At the end of the day, the plant its self has everything it needs to flourish, roots, leaves, cells (DNA if you want), but what I need to do is set it in the environment where it will flourish.
Your article showed me that's what I do and need to do, as a husband, father, pastor and as a Church in our communities. Seek to understand each person, my wife, daughters, congregation - to understand where their heart, passions, gifting, leading is and to provide the environment for them to flourish.
For the older folk in our church, struggling with mobility or living with dementia - what kind of space, encouragement, valuing, love do they need to flourish with in their family, ministry, amongst their friends.
Last Sunday we looked at how we are a 'Priesthood of all believers', and I highlighted how the retired folk in our church, minister to me. As a 54 year old, retirement is firmly in sight. As I walk along side them, I see physical pain, grief, trauma, failing memory, worry, fear, loneliness and cancelled Hospital Appointments. All of which we have to look forward to ourselves, but what I hear is their prayers, singing hymns of praise, their hope and joy in God and it gives me so much hope for my retirement. In their frailty they preaching hope, faith and joy.
Every blessing in your continued wonderings......... Andy Wilcock
Right down to the ground and from the ground up.
Thankyou Ellie for being there as close as being here.
Always renewing to be with Wild Times, not to be lost.
So good, so pure, so true, so lovely